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Birthday Wishes from Me to You
Sunday, June 12, 2005
By Marc Brafman -- Coppock on Sports Producer

In honor of my 29th birthday later this week, I've decided to share my birthday wishes with all of you. Of course, since I'm sharing them, they may not come true, but with your help, a man can only dream.

First, I wish the following sports stories to go away and never be spoken of again:

  • Larry Brown and where he will work next year. I don't care if he comes back to Detroit. I don't care if he goes to Cleveland. I'm HOPING the Spurs sweep the Pistons just so we don't have to hear about this dull story anymore.
  • Phil Jackson and where he will work next year. Could somebody please tell the "Zen Master" that he didn't invent basketball and, to quote Mike Lupica on the Sports Reporters, he "isn't the most important person in the history of the NBA?" Phil, buddy, PLEASE choose a team so we can return to covering the guys between the white lines, instead of you. Either go back to your lovers' quarrel with Kobe and the Lakers or go back to Montana and your books.
  • Ricky Williams and where he will work next year. Dude, it's, uh, like time to, uh, put the pipe down and, uh, come back to the NFL. My birthday wish for "El Danky" is his return to Miami, so the 'Fins O-line can block for him like they did for Sly Stone in Lock Up. I would love to see Williams get the ball, watch his entire offensive line fall down and get crushed.

    I wish my favorite crush, Lindsay Lohan, would eat a sandwich. Forget about the new ugly blonde hair for a minute, why is she so skinny? She looked great in Mean Girls and now she looks like a taller Olson Twin. Lindsay, for all us guys who like big boobs... Please EAT!

    I wish Mike Tyson would NOT retire. I don't care that he is a terrible fighter. He still gives the best press conferences this side of the 4 Horseman from the mid-80s.

    I wish all of you a chance to watch the Wrestlemania 21 DVD so you can hear the Hall of Fame speeches. The fact the WWE has a Hall of Fame is sad, but worse, did you know that Pete Rose is a member? That's right. Pete Rose is in the WWE Hall of Fame. I would explain why but I'm crying to hard right now and can't see the computer.

    I wish someone would tell me how Marty's parents didn't recognize him in the Back to the Future movies. He spent more than enough time with them in 1955. It bothers me that neither of them thought to ask, "Hey, didn't you help us hook up back in our high school days?" At least you'd think Biff would remember him. After all, you might remember the guy who made you drive into a truck full of cow manure. This is the stuff that keeps me up at night. And yes, I am aware I need to get a life.

    I wish Ken Griffey Jr. would stay healthy for an entire season so we (Reds fans) could see him hit 40 homers again. Of course, if he does stay healthy the Reds will immediately trade him to the Yankees for two bum pitchers and a handful of cash.

    I wish the people who run TV networks would produce some comedy shows worth watching. The fact that "Two and a Half Men" is the "funniest" show on right now says it all.

    I wish (and hope) that Tim Burton doesn't screw up Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the same way he mangled Planet of the Apes.

    I wish I could eat the CDs. You see, Shana always tells me it's more important for us to eat then for me to buy music. If Neil Young or Beatles CDs were edible, I could buy them, and after transferring them to my iPod, I could eat them. Hey, they couldn't taste any worse then her cooking, right? (Yeah, I know I'm going to be sleeping on the couch for that comment)

    I wish I could spend my birthday with my dad at Fenway Park this week, watching the Reds play the Red Sox. His birthday is one day before mine and we always celebrated them together. It has been a few years since we were together and I just want to wish him a Happy Birthday too.

    Last but not least, I wish (and hope) that I will soon be contributing to the Sporting News web site. They are making some changes and one of the things they are adding is blogs. If you like what I write in my columns, please email Senior Producer Randy Merkin at rmerkin@sportingnews.com and let him know what you think.

    This week on the iPod:

  • Little Feat -- High Wire Act: Live in St. Louis
  • Mike Bloomfeld -- If you Like the Blues, Play Them as You Will
  • The International Submarine Band -- Play it Safe
  • Eric Clapton -- Live in the 70s Box Set

    Email Marc your comments at mbrafman@sportingnews.com.




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